Would a newspaper give away the ending to a TV show or movie? Probably not. Then why the hell do it to a comic book?
Read the following link only if you don’t care about spoilers, specifically in regards to Action Comics #870.
http://www.comicbookresources.com/?page=article&id=18358
And a note to DC: When the hell has runining the ending of a story ever been a good marketing idea?
If Things was an attempt to be Canada’s answer to Evil Dead, someone didn’t quite understand the question.
This cornea mutilating motion picture may very well be the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I came to that realization less than 20 minutes in to it (the following 65 minutes only reinforced that notion). To say it’s an incomprehensibly bad film is to insult incomprehensibility, and it would give Things the distinction of being a film.
The plot, as best I can discern, is about an experimental form of artificial insemination that has disastrous and somehow demonic consequences. A couple, desperate to have a child, let’s the local Satan worshipping mad scientist have a quick poke at the ol’ uterus. Instead of a baby, these experiments spawn monstrous… things (ohhh, now I get it). That quick synopsis is way more coherent than the film deserves. Watching this movie is like staring at the face of God; human eyes will have a hard time comprehending what they’re seeing.
At times it’s almost as if the filmmakers are in on the joke, but I’m not sure they ever truly recognized just how potent this bad movie dynamite was (and by dynamite I mean something more akin to explosive diarrhea). Director Andrew Jordan’s stunning technical ineptitude makes Ed Wood look like Akira Kurosawa. You get the feeling that Helen Keller, with a script written by an 8 year old, could’ve made a better flick.
To say the movie is low budget is like saying KD Lang may not be in to guys. The score of the film seems to have been created by hitting “demo” on a Keyboard and the sound mixed by Marlee Matlin (I’m running out of deaf and/or blind celebrities for this review). I’m not sure what types of cameras were used to shoot this but I suspect they were homemade, possibly using Vaseline jars. Even the credits are cheap. They look like someone was playing around with the fonts on their brand new Commodore 64.
To its credit, Things does feature full frontal female nudity within the first 2 minutes. Gotta give props to that. It’s also pretty gory, although it’s more Special Olympics than special effects; they try real hard but something just doesn’t look right.
Some bad movies call for beer and pizza. This one requires something a little stronger, like abthinse and crystal meth. Being the sick twisted soul that I am, I felt a strange sensation while watching Things; almost as if I was being… entertained. Maybe entertained isn’t the right word, more like enthralled by the sheer might of its crapulence.
I can really only recommend Things to two types of people: bad movie lovers, and my sworn enemies. To the curious that seek this film out, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Special thanks to the Lords of Canadian B-Movies, Canuxploitaion.com, for my copy of Things. Check out their much better written review of the movie here:
First movie I…
…saw in theatres: Star Wars (I was 3)
…saw on video: Conan the Barbarian
…picked out at a video store: Zombie
…saw in 3-D: JAWS 3-D
…owned on VHS: Evil Dead
…owned on DVD: Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker
Other Firsts:
-First Friday the 13th movie I saw: Friday the 13th Part III.
-First Friday the 13th movie I saw theatrically: Well, I saw Part V at the drive-in, but Part VI was the first I saw at an actual theatre.
-First thing that really scared me: When Big Foot was on the The Six Million Dollar Man.
-First TV show(s) I watched religiously: Six Million dollar Man and Battlestar Galactica (70’s version).
-First action figure: Not sure, but I assume it was Star Wars or Steve Austin (the Bionic one, not the stone cold one).
-First Cartoon I watched religiously: The Super Friends.
-1st Evil Dead DVD I bought: Elite Special Edition.
-2nd Evil Dead DVD I bought: Anchor Bay Book of the Dead Edition.
-3rd Evil Dead DVD I bought: Elite Special Edition again (don’t ask).
-4th Evil Dead DVD I bought: Anchor Bay Ultimate Edition.
-Last Evil Dead DVD I ever buy damn it: Anchor Bay Ultimate Edition.
-First “Horror movie” action figure I ever bought: Remco’s Universal Monsters Wolf Man (Glow in the dark version). Technically my Mom bought it for me.
-First Horror movie I saw: I have no idea, but it clearly scarred me for life!
I really love Shout Factory’s Elvira’s Movie Macabre DVD series. I remember renting the VHS versions of Movie Macabre back in the day and really enjoying Elvira’s big personality, her perky attitude and her bountiful sense of humor. She’s got big boobs too.
This particular double feature has a pretty horrendous flick (Monstroid) and a pretty decent one (Blue Sunshine). Keep in mind that you have the option to play the movie without Elvira, but that would pretty much defeat the whole purpose Elvira’s Movie Macabre.
The first flick I watched was Monstroid. The story, as it were, is about some sort of mutant Sea Creature living in a lake. No one’s really sure where the monster came from, but it’s worth noting that the local evil Corporation has been dumping toxic waste into said lake. I’m no Kolchak, but I suspect the two are connected. It also features John Carradine in one of his typical 70’s schlock cameos. The monster is awful looking, the acting not terribly good, and the blood is of the red paint-like variety. The film is presented full screen and seems to have been re-mastered for DVD using sandpaper and acid. I’d say it looks like VHS, but that’d be too generous. The horrible presentation actually adds to the whole “late night TV” charm. Elvira makes the whole thing worthwhile of course. In between “commercial breaks” she gives us her observations on the movie and cracks corny jokes in her unique Mistress of the Dark style. I should also note that Monstroid dubiously claims to have been based on a true story. I’m not 100% convinced that is accurate.
The second feature was the 70’s anti-drug shocker Blue Sunshine, which is actually pretty good (Elvira even admits that it’s better than standard Movie Macabre fare). This tale of seemingly normal everyday people loosing all body hair and going on murderous rampages is pretty dang creepy (not having eyebrows is freaky looking, man). The cause of the psychotic outbreak seems to be connected to the fact that, years earlier, all those affected did hits of a Super Acid known as Blue Sunshine (kind of like a Bizarro version of Pineapple Express). One man knows the truth but, ironically, he’s been accused of several murders committed by one of the Bald Headed Blue Sunshiners. He doesn’t help his situation much as he acts really creepy and suspicious the whole time.
The picture quality is much better than Monstroid and it’s even in Widescreen. I suspect this may be the same transfer Blue Underground used for their DVD version released a few years ago. Even though it’s a pretty good movie, Elvira still manages to poke fun at it (she points out all the bad wigs as she’s something of an expert) and we’re even given a brief flashback to Elvira’s own acid-trip days.
Please realize that these aren’t exactly Criterion level Special Editions of the films. If, however, you’re a fan of the long gone tradition of the cheesy horror movie host, you’ll have a good time. I personally really dig Elvira’s Movie Macabre Double Features, and I aint just talking ‘bout the movies (insert rim shot here)!
When I watch Eurohorror, I’m looking for the three B’s; Blood, Boobs, and Bad dubbing! Thankfully, The Cat O’ Nine Tales features all three!
Karl Malden plays a retired journalist (he’s also blind, just too add a bit more character) who hooks up with a Newspaper reporter (the studly James Franciccus) to catch a serial killer. The murders seem to be connected to a shady Pharmaceutical company conducting experiments in genetics. It’s not the best film in the Italian Master of Horror’s cannon, but CONT (that almost sounds dirty) is still a fun flick that’s much better than it’s reputation as one of Argento’s lesser films would imply.
The pace of the movie isn’t exactly break neck and it feels about 20 minutes too long, (a common problem in Argento flicks) but if you’re patient enough you’ll be rewarded with some pretty brutal killings, including a sweet death-by-train scene! Oh, and did I mention boobs?
Is there a cooler title in Action Film History than Inglorious Bastards? It’s got to be Top 5 at least!
Quentin Tarantino’s favorite war movie no one’s ever heard of has been getting a lot of attention lately. This is mainly due to the fact that Tarantino himself is set to direct his own version of Inglorious Bastards (not quite a remake but they will share the same film title) that has re-ignited (created?) interest in the 1978 WWII epic. Does it deserve its new found cult film status? Read on Soldier, read on.
There’s no denying that the Italian made Bastards was somewhat ”inspired” by The Dirty Dozen. Of course, as the tag line reminds us, whatever the Dirty Dozen did they do it dirtier (that’s some badass alliteration)! The plot revolves around a group of American Soldiers being sent off to a Military Prison for a variety of misdeeds (including murder). After their convoy is attacked, they escape and try to make a run for the Swedish border. Along the way they kill a few Nazis, evade capture from German and US forces, and make exaggerated facial expressions. After a series of mishaps (including a fatal exchange of not so friendly fire) our anti-heroes find themselves volunteering for a deadly suicide mission to destroy a Nazi Super Weapon (sort of like a German Death Star).
Inglorious Bastards was everything I’d hoped it to be; a fun bit of Warploitation with lots of tough guys doing tough guys things! The Bastards are lead by B-Movie legends Fred Williamson and Bo Svenson. The characters aren’t exactly deep (it’s collection of war movie stereotypes), but you spend enough time with them that you do care a little when the bullets start to fly.
Not really an exploitation picture, Inglorious Bastards does have enough gun play and explosions to keep any action flick fan happy. Plus, Director Enzo G. Castellari manages to squeeze in a scene of hot Nazi babes skinny dipping.
Hey, if you want an accurate portrayal of the horrors of war and an exploration of the themes of man and conflict, (i.e. sans naked chicks) you aint gonna find it here Sissy! If you want a fun Men on a Mission adventure movie with Nazi ass getting kicked all over the place and lots of KABOOMS, well Sir, Inglorious Bastards is your flick!
FYI: When they get around to making a Captain America movie, they should build a time machine and kidnap 1970’s Bo Svenson. He’d be perfect to play Cap.
My favorite source for DVD news and opinion, digitalbits.com, has some info on The Dark Knight DVD and Blu-Ray disc:
http://www.digitalbits.com/#newman
The 2-Disc regular DVD edition seems a little weak compared to the Blu-Ray as far as special features go, so I guess I’m gonna have to upgrade sooner rather than later. Oh well, I knew I’d have to get a Blu-Ray player eventually. I hope I’m dead before movies are watched in pill form though, ’cause they’ll probably be wicked expensive.
This is what we in the geek biz call inspired:
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/38519
Kenneth Branagh directing Thor, who woulda thunk it? This is the out of the box type of choice that helped Iron Man be such a cool flick.
Check out Arrow In the Head and HorrorBid for news & pics on what Jason’s ugly mug looks like underneath the hockey mask:
-Does anybody else think all the talk of a new Ghostbusters sequel is just a mean practical joke on Ernie Hudson?
-Why aren’t more horror movies released theatrically in the fall? Even non-horror fans like checking out a scary flick on Halloween.
-On my Christmas list this year: The Alfred Hitchcock Premier Collection DVD Box set from MGM. It features The Lodger; Hitch’s take on Jack the Ripper.
-I was really excited to hear The Mask (Canadian 3-D horror flick, not the Jim Carrey movie) was getting a DVD release, but apparently it’s one of those “gray” market deals. Not quite a bootleg, but not quite legit either.
-Rumor has it a new Friday the 13th box set is coming with an uncut version of the original. I’ve seen the uncut UK DVD, and to be honest, it’s nothing to get too excited about. Now, an uncut version of part VII would get me pretty hot and bothered! That film got butchered more than the typical Jason victim.
-What’s the deal with Robert Downey Jr. hatin’ on The Dark Knight? Chill Bob, no shame starring in the second best superhero flick of the summer.
-You know what the problem is with waiting for a show to be released on DVD to watch it? Spoilers! I’ve read 2 major spoilers regarding Dexter (were talking season finale type stuff) and it’s really hindered my enthusiasm for buying the series.
-Worst comicbook idea ever? DC’s moronic Decisions in which Superheroes in the DC universe declare who they’re going to vote for. How freaking stupid is that? Yes voting is important, so just have Superman nag the rest of the Justice League to go vote. I don’t need to hear Green Lantern’s opinion on the AIG bailout plan. If I want serious political discussion, I’ll watch Colbert.
-Caught the second episode of True Blood the other day. I was mightily impressed by Anna Paquin and her collection of ridiculously short skirts!
