Pseudo Review – Star Wars: The Clone Wars

First things first; Clone Wars isn’t as bad as you’ve heard. It definitely benefited from low expectations as I kept waiting to hate it, but never did.

Don’t get me wrong, there are Death Star sized problems with the movie. The  Ahsoka Tano character is abso-FN’-lutely annoying. She’s like the demon spawn of Jake Lloyd and Scrappy-Doo. I can’t stress enough how much I hated her. The other thing that really bothered me was how moronic the Battle Droids were. Their main purpose is comic relief so it’s hard to take them seriously as villains. Plus, as comic relief goes, I’ve seen funnier war atrocities. 

There are other characters that I’d been warned about, but weren’t as bad as I’d feared. The baby Hutt (unfortunately called “Stinky”) was lame for sure, but by no means was it “Jar Jar” lame. Rotta the Hutt also wasn’t as bad as some reviewers have made him/it out to be. 

The pace of the flick is good, and we do get some pretty cool Light Sabre duels. The animation, however, is way below Feature Film level. Compared to what Pixar puts out, this looked like BraveStarr. I’m not sure why Genndy Tartakovsky wasn’t involved. His Clone Wars animated series kicked all sorts of ass yet, to the best of my knowledge, he wasn’t involved with the film. 

I think the main problem with the movie is that as far as interesting stories go, the Clone Wars have been exhausted. The flick aint all that bad, but it’s definitely time to move on. Let Pixar produce a movie about Darth Vader hunting down the remaining Jedi and you’d get fandom excited. I have a feeling, however, that isn’t gonna happen since the Clone Wars continue in a new animated series debuting this fall.

Pseudo Review Drive-in Edition: Journey to the Center of the Earth & Tropic Thunder

There are only like negative 6 Drive-ins left in the world, so I feel quite privileged that one of them happens to be 45 minutes away from me. Last Sunday my girlfriend and I made the trek to the big outdoor screen to take in a double feature for only 8 bucks (can’t beat that). For some reason, her car can’t play the radio with the lights off, so we had to park at the back and use the only working speakers left. We were kickin’ it old school! Here’s what we saw:

Journey to the Center of the Earth

Wow, this flick made me appreciate movies I hate since they at least invoke some emotion from me. JTTCOTE is so cookie-cutter I forgot about it 30 seconds after seeing it. Brendan Frasier plays a scientist (in unconvincing fashion) who along with his nephew and random hot Chick, take a trip to the Center of the you-know-where.

JTTCOTE is as “safe” a movie as your ever gonna see. It plays out like an example of commercial film making 101. No originality or visual flair. Maybe in 3-D it would have been slightly better (Wow, the fake CGI creatures are coming right at me) but otherwise this is as bland and forgettable as diet water.

After a quick trip to the Concession Stand to purchase Cheeseburgers, corn dogs, and onion rings, (man I love the Drive-in) our second feature started.

Tropic Thunder

Tropic Thunder is the polar opposite of JTTCOFE. Offensive and biting, I was laughing the moment the “fake” trailers played. 

All the performances are great (although Jack Black is playing the standard Jack Black role, albeit with a mean smack problem) and Writer/Director Ben Stiller doesn’t just step on toes, he puts on a pair of size 12 combat boots and stomps on them. I admit, your enjoyment of the flick depends on your movie geekitude. My girlfriend missed a lot of the inside jokes since she hasn’t wasted her life trolling movie websites like me. Still, if you have any understanding of the bizzaro way Hollywood works, your gonna have a pretty good time. There’s also great advice on the proper way to play “retard” in order to win an Academy Award.

Pseudo Review: Zombiemania

Do you have a Zombie Escape Plan? Have you and your family ran Zombie drills? If not, you and all those you care about deserve to die horribly in the inevitable Zombie apocalypse. If you are prepared for a Living Dead attack however, you should check out the Canadian documentary Zombiemania. 

Zombiemania is a pretty encompassing look at all things Living Dead. Comics, Novels, games, and of course movies are discussed as well as the cultural significance of Zombies. Not surprisingly, Romero’s Dead films films get the bulk of the attention, but I’d say he deserves all the love.   

If your a hardcore horror fan, there won’t be a lot of revelations in Zombiemania, but it’s still an entertaining 60 minutes of gut munching fun. You get interviews with most of the Living Dead Legends (Romero, Savini, etc…) and its uber-cool to see the Zombie sub-genre taken so seriously.  Best of all, it features Rue Morgue Editor and Cheif Jovanja Vuckovic in all her tattooed glory. I have a serious fetish for smart chicks with tattoos and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Psuedo Book Review: Psycho II By Robert Bloch

After years of incarceration and intense rehabilitation, Norman Bates quickly resumes his murderous ways, hence proving all that tax payer money was wasted.

Psycho II is a breezy read featuring lots of twists and turns to keep you guessing. Much of the book takes place in Hollywood where, coincidentally, a movie about Norman’s life is being filmed. I really dug the movie within a novel aspect and have a feeling the plot for Scream II was lifted from this book.

Psycho II is much more graphic than previous novels written by Bloch. He definitely seems to be critiquing the spaltter/slasher craze that was prevalent in horror movies at the time. Maybe he felt responsible since you could argue Norman Bates was the very first Slasher.

Although they share the same name, Psycho II the novel and Psycho II the movie are two totally different stuffed birds. In fact, I’ve heard Universal hated Bloch’s book and didn’t want it published it. I personally like both (Psycho II the movie is a pretty underrated little thriller).

I really enjoyed this return trip to the Bates Motel (well, technically we don’t actually go back to the Bates Motel since in the book it’s been destroyed, but you get my meaning). If you’re looking for more fun with Norman Bates, check out Bloch’s second Psycho sequel, Psycho House. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go jump in the shower…

Pseudo Review: Rogue

Synopsis: Giant F’n Crocodile

I’m a sucker for nature gone amok horror flicks, especially from the 70’s. JAWS is still the best of the beast, but I also dig some of Bruce the Shark’s low budget cousins (in some case inbred cousins) like Grizzly, Alligator, and Day of the Animals. Heck, give me a cheesy killer bug flick like The Swarm or Kingdom of the Spiders and I’m satisfied. This brings us to Rogue, a giant crocodile movie that promises old school monster lovin’ goodness! Does it reach JAWS heights, or Python lows? Read on!

Rogue was directed by Aussie filmmaker Greg Mclean. I really dug Mclean’s Leatherface meets Crocodile Dundee slasher flick Wolf Creek, so I was stoked to see what he’d do with a giant crocodile. Dimension essentially dumped the flick on to DVD after a very, very limited theatrical release. Dimension’s bizarre releasing methods are rarely an indication of quality (Cursed was released theatrically, Diary of the Dead was not, go figure) so that didn’t deter me the lease bit.

Ultimately, Rogue doesn’t surpass “not bad” status, which is disappointing since I was expecting much better. The DVD is billed as “unrated” but I’m not sure it warrants much more than PG-13. It’s a fairly bloodless affair since most of the croc feeding happens off camera. I admit the giant Crocodile, which is brought to life using a mix of CGI and practical effects, is a pretty impressive sight. I just wish we’d gotten to see it’s substantial teeth put to more chomping.

With a lack of blood and guts, the film really needed some characters that you’re going to care about to create any suspense. Unfortunately, it lacks in that department as well. Each of the buffet-to-be humans are given some paper thin back-story (loving family, cancer survivor, mourning widower, etc…) but you can tell pretty early on who’s going to survive based on camera time and looks. The movie could have set itself a part by not going the conventional route and really making you unsure of who’s going to make it. Sadly, by the end, you won’t care all that much. In fact, there are a few annoying folks you’ll want to throw salt on just to make them more appetizing to the Croc.

Maybe I’m being too harsh on this flick based on my expectations. I wanted a really good killer animal flick. Instead I got something that would be an above average (actually, way above average) Sci Fi Channel movie. That’s about as much faint praise as I can give it. Not as terrible as Crocodile II, but not as fun or cheesy as Alligator either. It’s just one of those movies that if you’re asked about it, you shrug your shoulders and say “It was alright.” Kind of like going out on a date with a really hot chick and then going back to her place only to end up dry humping; better than nothing, but not near as good as you’d hoped.

Pseudo Review: Mirrors

In the new Horror film Mirrors, Kiefer Sutherland plays Jack Bauer playing Bruce Campbell playing Ash playing Ben Carson. Carson is an NYPD detective suspended from the force who must take a job as a Night Watchmen in an abandoned Department Store (please don’t ask why an abandoned Department Store needs a security guard). Turns out the mirrors in the store are haunted (or something like that) and if you stare too long your reflection can make you harm yourself. The evil forces begin to take control of mirrors outside the store and soon Ben’s family is threatened by any reflective surface they come in to contact with. I swear it’s not quite as silly as it sounds.

Mirrors starts off as a fairly creepy supernatural thriller. There’s definitely something eerie about mirrors and we’ve seen them used for Supernatural shenanigans before. From Snow White to Candy Man, movies have always shown us that staring at your reflection for too long can lead to evil. The abandoned Department Store is a creepy setting, and I wish they’d kept the majority of the action there. Once we start to get evil mirrors outside the store (objects may be deadlier than they appear) things get silly… more so.

Since this a remake of an Asian horror flick (Geoul Sokeuro or Into the Mirror) there is of course a mystery behind the evil mirrors and our hero must go on a road trip to figure it out. We eventually get an explanation and all is revealed… right down to the last convoluted detail. All this exposition leads to some pretty painful dialogue that hit 11 on my cringe meter.

As nonsensical as the flick gets, we are treated to some good old fashioned gore! You know that scene in the trailer when Amy Smart’s reflection starts to rip off her own jaw? You get to see a lot more as the scene doesn’t go for any of that “leave it to the audience’s imagination” crap. Director Alexandre Aja definitely has a love for blood and latex. Actually, a lot of people have a love for latex but that’s another story.

From creepy and psychological to loud and visceral, you get the feeling this film was interfered with by the studio as there are some weird editing choices and certain action sequences seemed tacked simply to appease bored test audiences (it is Fox after all). With all that being said, I still sorta got a kick out of it. At the very least it’s an “R” rated Horror movie with real live grown up actors (including the awesome Sutherland) so it has to score points for that. There are also enough “jump” scares that horror virgins will be screaming in the aisles.

Aja’s next project is slated to be a Piranha re-do (in 3-D no less) that will mark his third straight remake. I’m a big fan of his work (loved High/Haute Tension and his version of The Hills Have Eyes was a high water mark in the 70’s horror remake craze) but I’m hoping he gets back to doing something totally original. He’s too talented a director to be known in Hollywood as “that French guy that does all the horror remakes.” Although I do admit, hot Piranha action in 3-D does have me kind of curious!

Pseudo Review: Funny Games (U.S.)

Are you sick of people telling you that you’re too happy? Want to do something about it? Watch Funny Games and any feelings of wellness will be battered away with golf club like efficiency. This tale of an innocent family terrorized by two seemingly polite and well dressed young psychopaths is so depressing (how depressing is it) it makes the ending of The Mist seem like the ending to Rocky II. Suffice to say, Funny Games is quite, ironically, un-funny.

Typically I’m down for a good nihilistic flick. If a movie can’t be entertaining, it can at least be enthralling. The problem with Funny Games is that it was neither. It’s too bad because the set up is simple and effective and the movie boasts an excellent cast with performances to match. Naomi Watts, Timothy Roth and Devon Gearhart are superb as the family in peril and our villains are played to wicked perfection by Michael Pitt and Brady Corbet (polite and well dressed on the outside, evil psychos on the inside). So what the heck went wrong?

My main gripe with the flick is that it’s too damn pretentious. I get what director Michael Haneke (remaking his own Austrian film for American audiences) is doing. He’s making a film about violence in society and violence as entertainment. We, the audience, are responsible for the carnage that happens to this family because we’re watching it. We love to watch but do we even care? Hey, I’m hip to what your saying, no reason to hit me over the head with it. But getting hit over the head is exactly what happens. In fact, I think the weapon I was bludgeoned with was the Art House Movies 101 text book. There are several 4th wall breaking moments that I feel take the viewer out of the movie and dull its impact, hence weakening the film’s message overall. There are several times when the villains talk directly to the audience (as if mocking us for not being able to turn away). I think the film would have been better served to have saved these scenes for the end of the film instead of peppered through out. Trust the audience enough to understand what the film is truly saying instead of forcing it down our throats. Haneke really should have studied the tag line to Last House on the Left; the audience is the one that needs to tell itself it’s only a movie, not the director.

I really think that if the movie had nixed some of the art house wankery, it would have been a much more powerful film and still conveyed the same message. The funny thing (no pun intended) is that at times the flick teetered on the edge of being powerfully brilliant but kept falling over in to “just plain depressing” and that gets boring pretty quick. I admit that this is a movie I may re-visit later on with a different perspective and perhaps end up with a different view on it. Like I said, there’s good stuff in here for sure, I just wasn’t in to the execution. The movie has spurred a lot of interesting debate (and a lot of “your opinion sucks” silliness) on internet message boards, so the movie definitely has had an impact on viewers. I do recommend giving the film a look, but your opinions will vary.

The Horrors of “Intervention”

Kind of off topic here folks, but what’s the deal with that Intervention show? It’s got to be the most depressing thing on Television today. They even show two episodes back to back so you get as much prime time misery as possible.

In case you’ve never seen it, each week a lucky Drug addict gets the chance for an all expense paid vacation to Rehab. We get the joyous opportunity to see the pain and anguish of the Drug addict’s family as well as lots of drugs being injected, eaten, swallowed, smoked and inserted. Even episodes that end with the addict going for help and getting clean always have that disclaimer at the end saying “36 minutes after leaving Rehab, Billy Bob was selling hand jobs for hits of Nyquil.”

I’m no psychologist, but is it really in anyone’s best interest to air this on TV? Shouldn’t an intervention be, oh I don’t know, a little more private or something? Hell, I don’t even like people knowing when I have to go Number Two, let alone if I was stealing from the Salvation Army to feed my motor oil habit.

Last week’s episode takes the cake for disturbing the crap out of me. A young woman was addicted to some kind of computer cleaner. Every 30 seconds she’s taking a freakin’ suck off an aerosol spray can! I’ve seen some pretty disturbing imagery in my time (the rape scene in  Deliverance, real animal slaughter in Cannibal Holocaust, trailers for Wayans Brothers’ movies) but that episode of Intervention takes the cake. So why the hell did I watch it? My girlfriend, who is clearly a sadist, made me! I guess it’s payback for telling her I spit On Your Grave was a Romantic comedy.

I think most Reality TV Shows are A) complete nonsense and B) completely staged. The cast of the Hills deserve SAG membership for crying out loud. Anyone that thinks the vomit MTV broadcasts is in any way “reality” has about as much brains as Ryan Seacrest has talent. Unfortunately, Intervention is the one Reality show that appears all to real. Sure, it still has the suspect editing and music cues, but that just makes it more slimy. I can imagine some Scumbag producer saying:

“The scene where the mother sells her kids to Michael Jackson so she can buy more heroin isn’t quite tragic enough… we better add in a baby photo montage.”

Listen, I hope nothing but the best for the people that appear on the show. Hopefully they get well and things turn around for them. I just think their being exploited (and not in the good porno way).

The producers of the show probably say Intervention is educational, provides an important public service, and that the show is helping people. I have to wonder; if it was their son or daughter hooked on crack, would they still feel the best way to help them was with TV cameras?

Happy Birthday Hitchcock!

One of my all time favorite directors, Alfred Hitchcock, was born on this day in 1899. If Hitch were alive today he’d be… friggin’ old.

Here are my top ten Alfred Hitchcock films. This list is not set in stone by any stretch of the imagination since Hitchcock had so many great movies. Psycho, The Birds, and Rear Window are definitely by top three (although they change positions more often than Ron Jeremy).   

Psycho – The original Slasher! Part horror, part black comedy, all awesome!

The Birds – It takes a skilled director to make Budgies scary!

Rear Window – What I wouldn’t do have the view Jimmy Stewart had … of Grace Kelly!

Frenzy – Very underrated serial killer flick.

North By Northwest – Great thriller filled with Iconic moments.

Spellbound– Featuring Dali art work that’s Psycho-delic!

Rebecca – It’s not supernatural, but a ghost story nonetheless.

Vertigo – One of Jimmy Stewart’s best performances in a Hitchcock Thriller. That’s definitely saying something.

The Trouble With Harry – Great Screwball Thriller.

Lifeboat – Greatest film to ever take place entirely on a boat. It features one of Hitchcock’s most ingenuous cameos.

Pseudo Review: Pineapple Express

After witnessing a brutal crime, a Stoner and his pot dealing pal are forced to go on the run from vicious Drug dealers and crooked cops. Murder, mayhem and munchies follow in Pineapple Express.

Pineapple Express is billed as a Stoner comedy/Action hybrid, but it falters in the action movie department. The villains never seem all that scary and you don’t get any sense that our hemped up heroes are ever really in danger. On the plus side, there are several fight scenes involving characters that don’t know the first thing about fighting that are both funny and realistic looking. The Choreography makes it look like actual fisticuffs between dudes that normally don’t fight. These were some of the best action sequences in the movie.

Where it fails as an action flick, it succeeds as a stoner comedy. Most of the laughs are derived from characters being high, or trying to get high, or the after affects of being high. Come to think of it, a quarter of the theatre I saw this in was probably high. Seriously, the dude next to me was giggling madly and constantly going for a refill of his jumbo sized popcorn to combat the munchies. The marketing Department really did its job getting this flick out to its target audience.

Seth Rogen is funny as always, delivering his lines as if he’s making them up as he goes along (that’s a good thing in his case) but I was surprised by James Franco. I’ve never been a huge fan of his, but he garners some of the flick’s biggest laughs as good natured drug dealer Saul. He shows a comedic side he rarely gets to show playing the angst ridden Harry Osborne in the Spider-Man flicks.

I laughed a lot at Pineapple Express, but it lacks the heart of Super Bad (also written by Rogen and Evan Goldberg). Don’t get me wrong, it’s a dang funny movie. The problem is it just doesn’t elevate the “R” rated comedy the way Super Bad, Knocked Up or The 40 year Old Virgin did. Those films had me busting a gut laughing, but also caring about the characters. Not so much the case with Pineapple Express. Still, if your looking for some hardcore laughs, go ahead and light up Pineapple Express.